Fuck you, Circumstance!

We have no idea what our actions may cause until it's



               too late.

and it's all my fault.

She's all my fault.


                  Fuck, i should have just stayed away.

The only reason i come back is for you anyway. 

Mygod, just what the hellm'i supposed to do.


But really, someone tell me cause I can't figure it out on my own.

Blame it on the alcohol, blame it on the adderall, blame it on my ADD baby.




i don't actually know how this song goes but i like this version.




If only you could hear the sounds i'm hearing from this window.
i feel like i'm somewhere else.

With the taste of your lips i'm on a rise

You're toxic,

i'm slipping u
                  n
                  d
                  e
                  r.






                                                              Just what the hell am i supposed to do. 

thisis Mass confusion and utter dissolution, fuckers.

Yeah.

i don't fucking know.

Fuuuuuuuucckkkkkk what's wrong with me. Why do i do this.

                                                           Cause if feels good, moron. 


And i'm leaving. and i'm leaving and i'm leaving and i want to go away i need to go away hell what am i supposed to do.

my brain is so muddled right now-it's insane.
                         
                                      You can't control your feelings. 

This isn't going to get better.

And the worst part is, i'm not even sorry. 

iloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyoudearheart

don't apologize-life isn't your fault.

it's no ones fault. 

any maybe everything isn't going to be okay-
but somedays it will be
and we will just have to try and remember those moments.

This low's lasted too long.

goodvibes

I'm convinced there's something going on with the planets or stars or some shit.

I don't know what it is, but this past week nearly everyone I know, at least, most of my friends, have been super low, super confused utterly lost in themselves and the world.

I wonder- is everyone feeling this way because we're friends, because we feed off others energies? Or are we friends because we all feel this way?

Either way, I hope the planets start to bring in some positive energy soon. We could all use it.

Fucking burden.

i need to stop talking to people.

At least, i need to stop telling people what's going on with me. i've found that no one really cares needs feels wants to know and really telling them my problems just estranges us and makes everyone think i'm just looking for atttention. Which i'm not. Usually. At least this time i wasn't. i just needed to tell someone and at the time it seemed like a good idea.

i need to stop getting so close to people. Everything just ends up falling apart. Nothing's forever, so why do i invest myself so much, forever and always.


i'm done investing myself in my relationships. i'm sick of making An effort. Fuck, why am i the only one that cares.

Dontgowhereyouarentwanteddontgowhereyourenotwanteddontgowhereyourenotwanteddontgowhereyourenotwanteddontgo

Why am i always trying to help but when i need it i can't ask anyone. FUCKINGIPHONESTOPCAPITALIZINGMYiS that's an exaggeration. Its just the people i can ask i don't want to.

i really wish i could just not give any fucks.
That seems pretty improbable, though.
Sometimes i wish i were numb.


. Life's a bitch.

          my past is written on my wrists. 

and not just in the form of haphazard tattoos emulating what i may want my skin to be like some day. This record of my history is inscribed, dancing along the ripples of my veins.. It's painful, sad, and the only thing that makes sense to me.
It's sadistic art, or, just sadistic i know. It's a terrible, awful selfish thing but i can't help from doing it-i tried for so long to fight in but now i just need to give in. It's my lustful affliction. It's my main infatuation, my only addiction.

 People don't tend to see it. Maybe they just block them out-it's too much to deal with. i know, i've been there with others
             i'm such a hypocrite

i can never decide if i want someone to ask me about it or not- i know i don't want my parents to know. It would kill them.
But i like people to know about my past-empathy is a good thing.
Maybe i just like the attttention.
i really don't know. i try not to think about that.

But, you know. It's just a phase. 

                                       

                                                                                                                     i never write more than two             posts in one day...i like saving ideas for the future. But wasn't there a great some sort of influential person who said that putting off writing or art or anything for a day with better circumstances never worked? Besides, this way i'm actually inspired.

Vice#6 the.edge

God. Nothing is helping, not writing not drawing not music not him well of course he's not helping not the guitar Not even my #1 un-named vice.

I told her it was okay but it really isn't.

Why the hell does she get everything and i get nothing. Fucking nothing ever works for me

but that's life, aint it.

                                                                                                                      Yeah, i guess so. 

Dependency isn't the only thief at night

right now, i think petty jealousy is. 

Total confusion.

Man, we're all fucked up.

It's amazing how quickly a group people can become interconnected ..one or two events simultaneously and indirectly effecting tens on infinity of other events. Tons of little bunches of confusion, of jealousy  of hatred and despise and pride and possession and lust and low self confidence.

Maybe we're all just a scale model of the Bigger Picture; Everyone is this interconnected in real life, and we're just practicing this theory through high school drama.

Goddamn confusion.
 


                                    At least it's not just me.

In the past, i've asked many people who's opinions i valued the following, universal question-

Is it better to be completely happy , and unable..not allowed to feel anything else, or mentally free to feel anyway you want-miserable or content, pessimistic or optimistic, sad or happy, etc.

                         in other words, would you rather be Happy and ignorant or  be drowning in your thoughts and knowledge of the world. 


The answer was pretty much unanimous- free to feel any way they want. 

for what, one of these people said, is happiness without a soul?

i used to agree with them. i thought that it was the best choice, the only choice, because that way our happiness actually meant something. This way our happiness was comparable, we could tell and appreciate when we were content because there were other feelings to weigh said feeling against. When your free to feel any way you want, "emotion" is no longer just a word. It's the whole universe.

                  i used to be critical of people who depended on chemical fulfillment in order to be at peace. i thought that that was as pointless as being happy yet ignorant- if you can't make your own happiness you aren't trying hard enough, i thought. i didn't despise those who had to depend on drugs, i just pitied them. 

Now, i realized that it's not my place to feel pity for them. i've found that sometimes, you just can't find fulfillment or happiness naturally                      and you try and try and try and try and try and try and try and try and try and try but sometimes it's just futile. You don't get anywhere.
Everyone deserves to be happy, so if someone is unable to find it themselves and they've tried and they're tired, who is to judge them for finding it in the only way that they can.

i don't disagree with the phrase "ignorance is bliss" anymore. i used too. i used to take pride in my fucked up screwed over trainwreck of a brain.

                             It made me different.

Now though, i've decided that really,  i'd rather be blissful and ignorant.

-i'm just too fucking tired of drowning. 

i hate when people don't care

             and i hate when people overreact

i hate when someones to caught up with themselves to notice whats wrong

and i hate when my friends act like dicks

when they smoke just to act cool

when its not 'chicks over dicks' anymore

when i'm fucking left out

when anyone is fucking left out.

i hate being so dependent on other people in order to feel happy. 

i hate when people don't keep their promises

or just forget

i hate when my posts show up in comic sans.

i hate when the format is off.

i truly hate the word hate. i hate that i keep using it.

i hate when i feel this way

i really hate when i feel this way.

                 










                                                                                                                           right now





                                                                                        i just fucking hate everyone. 

.whatthehellisgoingon

somewhereibelongg

i don't know what i want to do anymore. i don't know what i can do-if there is anything to do. i used to be so convinced i wanted to return Home, return South with the people who understood me and were always there for me...now, now i'm not sure. They weren't perfect those people, and i'd feel left out as often as i do here. i'd feel lost as often as i do anywhere. if there's one rule i have in life it's don't go where you aren't wanted.
 i think what i need is to go somewhere where i don't know anyone and no one knows me, where i'm not relying on anyone but myself for happiness and contentedness and familiarity and i can focus all my thoughts on moving forward and learning about the world myself life 4th dimensions and having experiences and having fun and changing without third party influences other than the cultural ethical environmental ones i'd be facing. i just want to travel, i don't want to have a home or people who i can disappoint or sadly who can disappoint me which is a terrible thing to say because if you love or care about someone that's unconditional right? But it's not. Truly it's not that's just something mothers fathers parents guardians say when they're convincing themselves not to leave. We expect too much yet at the same time so little and we are constantly preparing yet unprepared for disappointment. i can't tell them how to live their lives and i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try  to make myself not care cause fuck what does it have to do with me but i can't i can't i can't i can't fucking help it.

i need to leave. i need to find someplace i belong or don't belong. i need to find a place full of no one i know.

idon'tevenknow.

i had something to say., Truly, i did. it was like a mad rush of word v
                                                                          o
                                                                            m
                                                         i 
                                         

                                                                    t coming from a train of thought that wouldn't stop until it c
                                                                                                                                                     r
                                                                                                                                                 a
                                                                                                                                                  s
                                                                                                                                       h e
                                                                          |                                                                 d. and my hands were poised on the keyboard and my first l|etters came out and they were Fu and then they got erased so there was               nothing and there <========>went my thoughts for this post was going to startout like "Fuckinghell" but then it got erased and with it all the conscientiousness of what i was going to write                                                                

                                                                         
and then it got rewritten by loving hands who'd seen what i was writing. and it was rewritten and it was written fu..cklove and then i laughed and they laughed and we all laughed except for not really because i was dying inside but i talked and we talked and then we actually laughed and then i was happy with her and them with my little frenchie who i just met this year but yet she's become so close and she understands me completely but then i left and started to remember other things about this day this day this day this day this day this day this day this day like feeling all alone even though i was surrounded by people who cared and being lost in the morning yet finally finding peace that way
and                             in a jealousy that                                                                                                                                                                                 
               drowning                                                                                                         

 i don't even fucking understand but that all is just selfish selfish selfish. why am i so fucking selfish-
                                     -maybe you just wish you could be the one that's happy for once
but im human so what the hell do you expect. i cant even say everything that i want to say because im afraid you she it him they will read between the lines and understand what this is really about but fuck ive already said so much in this blog that many you included shouldn't know, because fuck if you don't own your own thoughts then what do you truly have and then just now just now just now the text from her the other her the her that's been with me these past few years and that has gone through so much and who i love to the
                                                                                  m
                                                                           o
                                                                          o
                                                                            o
                                                                                   n
 
     and back and who made me feel this way today and she can just say something that turns my mood around, positive or negative, but now it just happened to be positive yet sad and that is the story of how my day went from being tremendously shitty in all aspects to just shitty in some.

the end. 

Boy, 8, one of 3 killed in bombings at Boston Marathon;

Gunman kills mom, 26 others in school shooting spree

Gunman turns 'Batman' screening into real-life 'horror film', twelve killed. 

Sixteen US Mass Shootings Happened in 2012, Leaving at Least 88 Dead

Sixteen US Mass Shootings Happened in 2012, Leaving at Least 88 DeadSixteen US Mass Shootings Happened in 2012, Leaving at Least 88 DeadSixteen US Mass Shootings Happened in 2012, Leaving at Least 88 DeadSixteen US Mass Shootings Happened in 2012, Leaving at Least 88 DeadSixteen US Mass Shootings Happened in 2012, Leaving at Least 88 DeadSixteen US Mass Shootings Happened in 2012, Leaving at Least 88 DeadSixteen US Mass Shootings Happened in 2012, Leaving at Least 88 DeadSixteen US Mass Shootings Happened in 2012, Leaving at Least 88 Dead

We're getting to old for this shit, world. 

more hope and deprivation

ponderponderponderponder

i should write something. i should put something out there. This week, this week was interesting. It was a good week-i havent had a good week in a long time. Hardly anything bad happened-

                           isn't it weird that i'm so used to people being broken that finding out a friend of mine is hurting, sad, depressed doesn't shock me anymore.

-and a few good things did happen. I don't know how long this will last. The sun is out, its warm, i have great friends and the greatest view in the world. What could go wrong.

Why do i tourture myself with thoughts about things that i cant change whyy don't i just accept things for as they are.

thats my goal-to accept myself and accept the past.

Cause, fuck, how am i supposed to live if i cant move forward.  

hopes and depravation

i realized a long time ago that i feel like i can't ever be one hundred percent happy. My reasons are legit, though, for one, i know that every good thing ends up having an end
    -but is that reason to not enjoy the present? It'll make youappreciate what you have even more
And when that end comes its like a big, sinking feeling. A starving feeling. The worst feeling-sadness is not the opposite of happiness. This, what i am talking to You about, is.
That's just one reason. The other one is more psychological-i'm to stuck in the past to fully enjoy the present.

When good things come around i'm so certain that it's not going to last or that it's not going to happen or that hesheit will stop liking me or never liked me in the first place or it's all just a joke or i really didn't win first place it was just a mistake or oops no one ever really liked you we just felt bad for you.
my worst nightmare is
      -no its not you just realized that it is
that everything good i have in my life will suddenly go away. That every good thing in my life was just a facade.
That nothing is real.
i'm afraid that nothing is real.

Gonegonefeeling

im going to talk to you now
who ever comes across this
see if you ever feel this way too sometimes

theres this feeling i get its like
fucking emptiness

and its a trigger
its just like this little trigger light switch thing goes off in my brain
set off by some innocent bystander who has no idea that there little side comment could make this effect in any sane person
but really am i sane
just add an N and you have your answer
am i sane am i sane am i sane am i sane i sane i sane i sane i sane isane isane isane isane insane insane insane insaneinsaneinsaneinsane
maybe


but then sometimes its likelike god damn somedays it happens out of NOwhere
just sporatically
randomly
antagonizingaly
unconventionally

im walking walking walking walking walking walking walking walking walking walking walking walking walking walking walking walking walking walking walking walking walking walking walking walking walking walking walking walking walking walking walking walking walking walking walking walking walking walking walking walking walking walking walking walking walking walking walking walking walking walking walking walking walking walking walking walking walking walking walking walking walking walking walking walking walking walking walking walking and then i

fall

but my insides stay where they were
you know
like when you go on a ride and your heart is
in your throat

or when you go down a hill suddenly
except for
i love that feeling
and this feeling that i am talking about now
just makes me
numb
sad
alone
tired

and its out of nowhere
no reason
just me and my mind then a few days later ill feel fine and ill be like
maybe ill be okay maybe i dont need help maybe it was all in my mind maybe it wasnt actually that bad
but it was
it so was
when am i going to realize that this isnt just some passing phase
ive been this way for the past five years
im lost

And if I don't figure this out soon, I may never get a chance to be fixed.