Doors, ditches, and lows.

NO! No! i'm doing Okay right now! i'm doing fine, please, please, i felt the Shift. Goddamn Shift, i haven't felt it all day today. i felt the shift and after the shift either comes a high directly followed by a low- caused by knowing the High wont last- or the low or just comes directly. The fucking low. You fucking Low. You lonely entity. i'm so tired and the adderral didn't help.

i think what causes these lows are a mix of exhaustion and my insides skipping moving dropping due to anyThingOneTimePlace. Anything exciting.sad.dramatic.new.frustrating.hard. 

Did i just figure out the equation?

 Fog.mind + inskip = Low.

Low = Exhaustion,suffocation,compression,need for attention. 

Now what's the equation for turning this around? 

i'm so far close. i'm so close i'm so close i'm so close i'm so close i'm so close i'm so close i'm so close to not caring. Before i couldn't place my finger on what it was i wanted but now know i know that that is what i want. i don't want to be ignorant or oblivious or stupidly happy stupid but happy- i want to be                                                                 

          -i'msoscared and i don't want to think about the future. i don't know whats coming. i dont know why i'm scared-i think i'm scared that it won't get better in time.                                                      

able to surpasssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss all the drama and pain and high-school problems and fears of the future  and concentrate on the bigger picture, on life, on happiness, on helping those in need and i can't do that when i'm in the statefateplacehatedazeditchesphasewallsplacealleysalleyways i've been in for the past five years. i need healthy apathy. i need more knowledge i need understanding i need to breath i need                                                                             

space                                        
                                                      but i don't have the time for that.


Please, please please please please please please just. just. Just leave me alone, leave us alone, let her tear break burn you down you her Wall. please, let me be peaceful. i'm so close to some epiphany so close i think to what i need to find so close to my ideal apathy, i need just a little more time. Please, please leave me, Low, leave me alone, high,  normal, fine, peaceful, chill, okay, alright. Leave me where i am. 

                                                     i don't need you.
                      and i don't need this low.



i'm almost there. 

                        Vice#7-this low.
      Priority#1 to get rid of. 

          my past is written on my wrists. 

and not just in the form of haphazard tattoos emulating what i may want my skin to be like some day. This record of my history is inscribed, dancing along the ripples of my veins.. It's painful, sad, and the only thing that makes sense to me.
It's sadistic art, or, just sadistic i know. It's a terrible, awful selfish thing but i can't help from doing it-i tried for so long to fight in but now i just need to give in. It's my lustful affliction. It's my main infatuation, my only addiction.

 People don't tend to see it. Maybe they just block them out-it's too much to deal with. i know, i've been there with others
             i'm such a hypocrite

i can never decide if i want someone to ask me about it or not- i know i don't want my parents to know. It would kill them.
But i like people to know about my past-empathy is a good thing.
Maybe i just like the attttention.
i really don't know. i try not to think about that.

But, you know. It's just a phase. 

                                       

                                                                                                                     i never write more than two             posts in one day...i like saving ideas for the future. But wasn't there a great some sort of influential person who said that putting off writing or art or anything for a day with better circumstances never worked? Besides, this way i'm actually inspired.

Vice#6 the.edge

rantrantrant

Esto es algo que publique en mi face, cuando vi una cosa que publico un chico-aiiidios bueno,

Me da bronca que aun en 2013 leo publicaciones de pendejos diciendo "n*gger", "negros de mierda", o otros difamaciones raciales. Ya se que los que publican esos pelotudeces ni sabeen los implicaciones de lo que dicen, ni saben lo grosero que son algunas de esas palabras, no se dan cuenta de los años que esa genta a quien estas llamando nombres estuvieron maltratados, los años que pasaron con gente pelotuda llamandoles cosas asi. Ni se dan cuenta de cuantos años pasaron tratando de conseguir igualdad. 

Ya se que no lo dicen con la intencion de insultar generaciones sobre generaciones de culturas, pero si van a ser tan ignorante, mejor ni digan nada.

Vice#5 equality

Vice#4

I'll just keep making everything worse, kay? 

chupamechupametoda
quieroquemechupessnonoquiero
No quiero ya paso, no me beses, no no, no quiero, quiero, quiero que me besessdevueltacomoantess
necesitoonecesito, nesesitno.
ahre.
quiero que alguien me bese, pero no como a
                                                                    n
                                                                  t
                                                                      es. 

                             

                           Vice#3-You

No one dies alone-Your mind will always be with you.

There was a thought of mine that I had mentioned in one of my posts-the fact that, in the end, the only person you are with every second of every day is yourself. Not your boyfriend, your friends, your family, but you and your mind. You are the only person you have to please, the only person who you should want to like you is you. Everyone else is, sadly, temporary.

So why are we constantly changing ourselves for others?

Why do we constantly need the approbation of everyone else?

Why is it so hard to just say, Fuck it, I'm going to be who I want to be?

Force of habit, I guess. But it's something I'm trying to work on.

-Vice #2, approval of others. 

Life to Live

I haven't been normal for years.
But I did use to be more normal than I am now.
My deepest traumas were suicidal thoughts, cuts down my arms-
-typical kid stuff.

But it's only the first half of 2012, and I've changed more mentally than I ever had any year before. And the change was overnight. I've gone through every eating disorder in the book-Anorexia? Check. Bulimia? Check. Binge eating? Night eating disorder? Check Check. Eating disorders not otherwise specified? Big ass check.
I made myself this way. I still remember the thought that made it all start.

-It really can't be that hard, can it? I might as well try-

That was the seed. The invasive species that won't go away.

Yes, I screwed myself. Fucked me up for life. But, I did stop purging on my own, and, if this all started overnight, maybe I can plant a different seed:

Embrace who you are. Eat to live, not Live to Eat. Enjoy what you eat, don't punish yourself for eating those slices of cake or few cookies.
Cause in the end, the only person you have to live with your entire life is yourself, not anyone else, so why change yourself for the world?

-Vice #1, food.