Doors, ditches, and lows.

NO! No! i'm doing Okay right now! i'm doing fine, please, please, i felt the Shift. Goddamn Shift, i haven't felt it all day today. i felt the shift and after the shift either comes a high directly followed by a low- caused by knowing the High wont last- or the low or just comes directly. The fucking low. You fucking Low. You lonely entity. i'm so tired and the adderral didn't help.

i think what causes these lows are a mix of exhaustion and my insides skipping moving dropping due to anyThingOneTimePlace. Anything exciting.sad.dramatic.new.frustrating.hard. 

Did i just figure out the equation?

 Fog.mind + inskip = Low.

Low = Exhaustion,suffocation,compression,need for attention. 

Now what's the equation for turning this around? 

i'm so far close. i'm so close i'm so close i'm so close i'm so close i'm so close i'm so close i'm so close to not caring. Before i couldn't place my finger on what it was i wanted but now know i know that that is what i want. i don't want to be ignorant or oblivious or stupidly happy stupid but happy- i want to be                                                                 

          -i'msoscared and i don't want to think about the future. i don't know whats coming. i dont know why i'm scared-i think i'm scared that it won't get better in time.                                                      

able to surpasssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss all the drama and pain and high-school problems and fears of the future  and concentrate on the bigger picture, on life, on happiness, on helping those in need and i can't do that when i'm in the statefateplacehatedazeditchesphasewallsplacealleysalleyways i've been in for the past five years. i need healthy apathy. i need more knowledge i need understanding i need to breath i need                                                                             

space                                        
                                                      but i don't have the time for that.


Please, please please please please please please just. just. Just leave me alone, leave us alone, let her tear break burn you down you her Wall. please, let me be peaceful. i'm so close to some epiphany so close i think to what i need to find so close to my ideal apathy, i need just a little more time. Please, please leave me, Low, leave me alone, high,  normal, fine, peaceful, chill, okay, alright. Leave me where i am. 

                                                     i don't need you.
                      and i don't need this low.



i'm almost there. 

                        Vice#7-this low.
      Priority#1 to get rid of. 

          my past is written on my wrists. 

and not just in the form of haphazard tattoos emulating what i may want my skin to be like some day. This record of my history is inscribed, dancing along the ripples of my veins.. It's painful, sad, and the only thing that makes sense to me.
It's sadistic art, or, just sadistic i know. It's a terrible, awful selfish thing but i can't help from doing it-i tried for so long to fight in but now i just need to give in. It's my lustful affliction. It's my main infatuation, my only addiction.

 People don't tend to see it. Maybe they just block them out-it's too much to deal with. i know, i've been there with others
             i'm such a hypocrite

i can never decide if i want someone to ask me about it or not- i know i don't want my parents to know. It would kill them.
But i like people to know about my past-empathy is a good thing.
Maybe i just like the attttention.
i really don't know. i try not to think about that.

But, you know. It's just a phase. 

                                       

                                                                                                                     i never write more than two             posts in one day...i like saving ideas for the future. But wasn't there a great some sort of influential person who said that putting off writing or art or anything for a day with better circumstances never worked? Besides, this way i'm actually inspired.

Vice#6 the.edge

crazy. Individuality hate and conformation.

This world is a crazy place. Pushing perfection and imperfection and fitting in by not fitting in, and loving eachother by hating and looking for peace in the barrel of a gun we're all going crazy here and I don't know if it's always been this way or if its just these generations No i'm sure it's always been this way..must be a part of human human human nature but is it Natural to hate? And if it is, why, why why why is that the norm? Since when did that fucking start! to be the norm, why did we evolve that way? Why didn't we evolve in a way that made us sort out our issues in a different way?
                                    andthen why do we all feel so pressured towards perfection-why do I have to feel so uncomfortable in my own skin-what did I do to deserve this? and What did They do to fall into such a dark
                 place,
                           so deep and slippery
      and just open enough for you too see the light streaming in through the top of the hole  so you have that little glimpse of hope but the walls of this shitplace are so slippery that when you try to make your way up you just slide right back
                                   d
                                      o
                                     w
                                       n again we are NOT made unique we are all born the same we make our own differences as we grow up-and what makes us who we are is not where we were born or the color of our skin or what music we listen to or what we wear or what classes we are in or who our friends are or who we love or who loves us. What makes us who we are-are our scars, our issues, our past-our memories and our thoughts  That's what makes us unique, not what some society claims our individuality to be. so why even if we understand this why do we keep trying to conform to this sense of differentiation? material items and fake promises do not make us someone ourselves.
They just keep us the same as everyone else.  

To see if I still Feel

enterdramaticphoto.

Andyoucouldhaveitall



 My


                                    dirt
                                    of
                                empire


 I  will   let    


                            d
                              o
                                w
                                   n




                                                 I      will   Make   you


                         H
       


                                             u

   
                                     R
 

                                                      t.

losingit-

Ican'ttakethisanymorethehatethelossofcontrolthenumbnesstheanger.

I need help but I don't want to ask for it
I need someone but everyone is caught up in their own problems
I need him but i don't miss him.
I need her to be okay.

I need to be okay. 

Struggle.

I've gained weight. Doctors orders, but I was gaining before the doctor even told me that I should gain five to ten pounds. The gap in my thighs are closing and I'm losing the flat tummy I've been losing for months. I've been binging again and I need it to stop. I'm pretty sure I can get back on the healthy track next week, so I'm going to try as hard as I can. But it's hard when you're obsessed. It's hard when you can't stop thinking about food. I fucking hate it. I banged my hand up on the wall today in frustration, something I haven't done in a while and something I've only done a few times. I'm thinking about cutting myself again after MONTHS of not doing it.

It's difficult to put weight on after being so skinny and feel good about yourself. After being able to always see your ribs, being able to feel them and imagine that you can almost feel your lungs. It's hard, after your legs were so skinny the gap in your thighs ran from your fork to your knees instead of just the middle of your thighs. I remember being able to overlap my index finger and thumb around my wrist, being able to wrap them against my forearms. Now, they barely touch. They don't even come close to touching around my forearm, though. I miss my hipbones the most. april edit-i miss being normal the most.

I need help. What the fuck am I supposed to do?