Closer to the sun but far from the moon

Peoplescreamingout they're gonna see me real soon.

In fact its the Fact of the matter as a matter of fact.

                        God damn, it's always the same with me. But fuck, i can't deal anymore. Not anymore, still. Trust doesn't fucking mean shit anymore, words don't mean anything. It's about time i learnt that, before she fucking stabs me even more. And it's not the fact that it happened it really isn't. Thats just a small part of it. Neither of them you they anyone matter enough for that so don't get a big head. It's the fact of the matter. It's the fact that she they he everyone denied it time and time and time and time and time and time and time and time and time and time and time again and made me feel guilty and stupid for suspecting no for caring no feeling and i'm just so tired of everyone, everything. i'm so tired of (in)humanity and drama and reasons and her and him and we and we and him and her her him and all of them fuck I need to run away
i'm not the one who bullshitted you, sweetie. i didn't lie about anything. i didn't swear to anything, and we didn't do..-we didn't do anything. It never happened.
so no, honey. We didn't basically do the same thing.
So stop bullshitting. All of you.

And just leave me the Fuck alone.

Upside down

Right side up don't know where i'm goin don't know where i'm coming from got some ideas in my pocket and i can pull one out but i'm fucking all over right now and i
i can't figure it out

It's a fucking Mind Mountain and i can't find the lyrics trying to sing it out but fuck it i'll scream it
out
so you can fucking feel it.

Don't know where i'm at and I'm lost in a hazedazemezmarazed, but i'll just keep goin down-i don't need to find a way.

i'm just making my own way away.-What else is there to say.

Fuckk.

Can't breath
i  can. But                it hurts


                   i don't even know why.

i need the rain i need to run away i need the rain i need to run away i need cold i need air i need to breath but i can't fucking leave all this behind what the hell am i doing here what the hell am i supposed to do oh fuck of fuck oh fuck i don't know what i'm doing i don't know why i'm letting myself get  caught up cause really i can't i can't i CANT do that anymore.

Why the hell can't i understand that.













                                     i just need to leave everything behind.  

thisis Mass confusion and utter dissolution, fuckers.

Yeah.

i don't fucking know.

Fuuuuuuuucckkkkkk what's wrong with me. Why do i do this.

                                                           Cause if feels good, moron. 


And i'm leaving. and i'm leaving and i'm leaving and i want to go away i need to go away hell what am i supposed to do.

my brain is so muddled right now-it's insane.
                         
                                      You can't control your feelings. 

This isn't going to get better.

And the worst part is, i'm not even sorry. 

          my past is written on my wrists. 

and not just in the form of haphazard tattoos emulating what i may want my skin to be like some day. This record of my history is inscribed, dancing along the ripples of my veins.. It's painful, sad, and the only thing that makes sense to me.
It's sadistic art, or, just sadistic i know. It's a terrible, awful selfish thing but i can't help from doing it-i tried for so long to fight in but now i just need to give in. It's my lustful affliction. It's my main infatuation, my only addiction.

 People don't tend to see it. Maybe they just block them out-it's too much to deal with. i know, i've been there with others
             i'm such a hypocrite

i can never decide if i want someone to ask me about it or not- i know i don't want my parents to know. It would kill them.
But i like people to know about my past-empathy is a good thing.
Maybe i just like the attttention.
i really don't know. i try not to think about that.

But, you know. It's just a phase. 

                                       

                                                                                                                     i never write more than two             posts in one day...i like saving ideas for the future. But wasn't there a great some sort of influential person who said that putting off writing or art or anything for a day with better circumstances never worked? Besides, this way i'm actually inspired.

Vice#6 the.edge

somewhereibelongg

i don't know what i want to do anymore. i don't know what i can do-if there is anything to do. i used to be so convinced i wanted to return Home, return South with the people who understood me and were always there for me...now, now i'm not sure. They weren't perfect those people, and i'd feel left out as often as i do here. i'd feel lost as often as i do anywhere. if there's one rule i have in life it's don't go where you aren't wanted.
 i think what i need is to go somewhere where i don't know anyone and no one knows me, where i'm not relying on anyone but myself for happiness and contentedness and familiarity and i can focus all my thoughts on moving forward and learning about the world myself life 4th dimensions and having experiences and having fun and changing without third party influences other than the cultural ethical environmental ones i'd be facing. i just want to travel, i don't want to have a home or people who i can disappoint or sadly who can disappoint me which is a terrible thing to say because if you love or care about someone that's unconditional right? But it's not. Truly it's not that's just something mothers fathers parents guardians say when they're convincing themselves not to leave. We expect too much yet at the same time so little and we are constantly preparing yet unprepared for disappointment. i can't tell them how to live their lives and i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try  to make myself not care cause fuck what does it have to do with me but i can't i can't i can't i can't fucking help it.

i need to leave. i need to find someplace i belong or don't belong. i need to find a place full of no one i know.

idon'tevenknow.

i had something to say., Truly, i did. it was like a mad rush of word v
                                                                          o
                                                                            m
                                                         i 
                                         

                                                                    t coming from a train of thought that wouldn't stop until it c
                                                                                                                                                     r
                                                                                                                                                 a
                                                                                                                                                  s
                                                                                                                                       h e
                                                                          |                                                                 d. and my hands were poised on the keyboard and my first l|etters came out and they were Fu and then they got erased so there was               nothing and there <========>went my thoughts for this post was going to startout like "Fuckinghell" but then it got erased and with it all the conscientiousness of what i was going to write                                                                

                                                                         
and then it got rewritten by loving hands who'd seen what i was writing. and it was rewritten and it was written fu..cklove and then i laughed and they laughed and we all laughed except for not really because i was dying inside but i talked and we talked and then we actually laughed and then i was happy with her and them with my little frenchie who i just met this year but yet she's become so close and she understands me completely but then i left and started to remember other things about this day this day this day this day this day this day this day this day like feeling all alone even though i was surrounded by people who cared and being lost in the morning yet finally finding peace that way
and                             in a jealousy that                                                                                                                                                                                 
               drowning                                                                                                         

 i don't even fucking understand but that all is just selfish selfish selfish. why am i so fucking selfish-
                                     -maybe you just wish you could be the one that's happy for once
but im human so what the hell do you expect. i cant even say everything that i want to say because im afraid you she it him they will read between the lines and understand what this is really about but fuck ive already said so much in this blog that many you included shouldn't know, because fuck if you don't own your own thoughts then what do you truly have and then just now just now just now the text from her the other her the her that's been with me these past few years and that has gone through so much and who i love to the
                                                                                  m
                                                                           o
                                                                          o
                                                                            o
                                                                                   n
 
     and back and who made me feel this way today and she can just say something that turns my mood around, positive or negative, but now it just happened to be positive yet sad and that is the story of how my day went from being tremendously shitty in all aspects to just shitty in some.

the end.