somewhereibelongg

i don't know what i want to do anymore. i don't know what i can do-if there is anything to do. i used to be so convinced i wanted to return Home, return South with the people who understood me and were always there for me...now, now i'm not sure. They weren't perfect those people, and i'd feel left out as often as i do here. i'd feel lost as often as i do anywhere. if there's one rule i have in life it's don't go where you aren't wanted.
 i think what i need is to go somewhere where i don't know anyone and no one knows me, where i'm not relying on anyone but myself for happiness and contentedness and familiarity and i can focus all my thoughts on moving forward and learning about the world myself life 4th dimensions and having experiences and having fun and changing without third party influences other than the cultural ethical environmental ones i'd be facing. i just want to travel, i don't want to have a home or people who i can disappoint or sadly who can disappoint me which is a terrible thing to say because if you love or care about someone that's unconditional right? But it's not. Truly it's not that's just something mothers fathers parents guardians say when they're convincing themselves not to leave. We expect too much yet at the same time so little and we are constantly preparing yet unprepared for disappointment. i can't tell them how to live their lives and i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try  to make myself not care cause fuck what does it have to do with me but i can't i can't i can't i can't fucking help it.

i need to leave. i need to find someplace i belong or don't belong. i need to find a place full of no one i know.