Struggle.

I've gained weight. Doctors orders, but I was gaining before the doctor even told me that I should gain five to ten pounds. The gap in my thighs are closing and I'm losing the flat tummy I've been losing for months. I've been binging again and I need it to stop. I'm pretty sure I can get back on the healthy track next week, so I'm going to try as hard as I can. But it's hard when you're obsessed. It's hard when you can't stop thinking about food. I fucking hate it. I banged my hand up on the wall today in frustration, something I haven't done in a while and something I've only done a few times. I'm thinking about cutting myself again after MONTHS of not doing it.

It's difficult to put weight on after being so skinny and feel good about yourself. After being able to always see your ribs, being able to feel them and imagine that you can almost feel your lungs. It's hard, after your legs were so skinny the gap in your thighs ran from your fork to your knees instead of just the middle of your thighs. I remember being able to overlap my index finger and thumb around my wrist, being able to wrap them against my forearms. Now, they barely touch. They don't even come close to touching around my forearm, though. I miss my hipbones the most. april edit-i miss being normal the most.

I need help. What the fuck am I supposed to do?

Life to Live

I haven't been normal for years.
But I did use to be more normal than I am now.
My deepest traumas were suicidal thoughts, cuts down my arms-
-typical kid stuff.

But it's only the first half of 2012, and I've changed more mentally than I ever had any year before. And the change was overnight. I've gone through every eating disorder in the book-Anorexia? Check. Bulimia? Check. Binge eating? Night eating disorder? Check Check. Eating disorders not otherwise specified? Big ass check.
I made myself this way. I still remember the thought that made it all start.

-It really can't be that hard, can it? I might as well try-

That was the seed. The invasive species that won't go away.

Yes, I screwed myself. Fucked me up for life. But, I did stop purging on my own, and, if this all started overnight, maybe I can plant a different seed:

Embrace who you are. Eat to live, not Live to Eat. Enjoy what you eat, don't punish yourself for eating those slices of cake or few cookies.
Cause in the end, the only person you have to live with your entire life is yourself, not anyone else, so why change yourself for the world?

-Vice #1, food.