Struggle.

I've gained weight. Doctors orders, but I was gaining before the doctor even told me that I should gain five to ten pounds. The gap in my thighs are closing and I'm losing the flat tummy I've been losing for months. I've been binging again and I need it to stop. I'm pretty sure I can get back on the healthy track next week, so I'm going to try as hard as I can. But it's hard when you're obsessed. It's hard when you can't stop thinking about food. I fucking hate it. I banged my hand up on the wall today in frustration, something I haven't done in a while and something I've only done a few times. I'm thinking about cutting myself again after MONTHS of not doing it.

It's difficult to put weight on after being so skinny and feel good about yourself. After being able to always see your ribs, being able to feel them and imagine that you can almost feel your lungs. It's hard, after your legs were so skinny the gap in your thighs ran from your fork to your knees instead of just the middle of your thighs. I remember being able to overlap my index finger and thumb around my wrist, being able to wrap them against my forearms. Now, they barely touch. They don't even come close to touching around my forearm, though. I miss my hipbones the most. april edit-i miss being normal the most.

I need help. What the fuck am I supposed to do?

No one dies alone-Your mind will always be with you.

There was a thought of mine that I had mentioned in one of my posts-the fact that, in the end, the only person you are with every second of every day is yourself. Not your boyfriend, your friends, your family, but you and your mind. You are the only person you have to please, the only person who you should want to like you is you. Everyone else is, sadly, temporary.

So why are we constantly changing ourselves for others?

Why do we constantly need the approbation of everyone else?

Why is it so hard to just say, Fuck it, I'm going to be who I want to be?

Force of habit, I guess. But it's something I'm trying to work on.

-Vice #2, approval of others.