Doors, ditches, and lows.

NO! No! i'm doing Okay right now! i'm doing fine, please, please, i felt the Shift. Goddamn Shift, i haven't felt it all day today. i felt the shift and after the shift either comes a high directly followed by a low- caused by knowing the High wont last- or the low or just comes directly. The fucking low. You fucking Low. You lonely entity. i'm so tired and the adderral didn't help.

i think what causes these lows are a mix of exhaustion and my insides skipping moving dropping due to anyThingOneTimePlace. Anything exciting.sad.dramatic.new.frustrating.hard. 

Did i just figure out the equation?

 Fog.mind + inskip = Low.

Low = Exhaustion,suffocation,compression,need for attention. 

Now what's the equation for turning this around? 

i'm so far close. i'm so close i'm so close i'm so close i'm so close i'm so close i'm so close i'm so close to not caring. Before i couldn't place my finger on what it was i wanted but now know i know that that is what i want. i don't want to be ignorant or oblivious or stupidly happy stupid but happy- i want to be                                                                 

          -i'msoscared and i don't want to think about the future. i don't know whats coming. i dont know why i'm scared-i think i'm scared that it won't get better in time.                                                      

able to surpasssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss all the drama and pain and high-school problems and fears of the future  and concentrate on the bigger picture, on life, on happiness, on helping those in need and i can't do that when i'm in the statefateplacehatedazeditchesphasewallsplacealleysalleyways i've been in for the past five years. i need healthy apathy. i need more knowledge i need understanding i need to breath i need                                                                             

space                                        
                                                      but i don't have the time for that.


Please, please please please please please please just. just. Just leave me alone, leave us alone, let her tear break burn you down you her Wall. please, let me be peaceful. i'm so close to some epiphany so close i think to what i need to find so close to my ideal apathy, i need just a little more time. Please, please leave me, Low, leave me alone, high,  normal, fine, peaceful, chill, okay, alright. Leave me where i am. 

                                                     i don't need you.
                      and i don't need this low.



i'm almost there. 

                        Vice#7-this low.
      Priority#1 to get rid of.