The Runner and The Viced.

• 
  

  ·                            The runner-

  I counted the days. Again.

  How are you love?

  I promise I will. 

  I want to go to the center tomorrow.

  ·      

    

            

  6:10pm

  
  

  The viced

  
  

  
  

  
  

  I'm okay. The adderall didn't effect me at all.

  
  

  You've promised before sweetie, and you've told me to force you, but I cant and it hurts so much to be so helpless. I wan't to go talk , and even if you don't want to talk with them i'd like you to go with me for moral support, if you want.

  ·                             

  6:12pm

  
  

  runner

  No. Tomorrow I want to go. You had me on bad days. And on bad days, I just run away, because that's my only way to protect myself. And I will go with you, because I want to. I just hate feeling trapped by people telling me "hey, go" because I take it as a bad thing.

  ·                             

  6:13pm

  
  

  viced

  I know, i understand love, it's just hard. 

  But thats not your fault, i know oyu're trying.

  ·                             

  6:13pm

  runner

  But you migtht not know that each fucking morning, instead of going to school, I stop in front of this center and I watch the door for 30 minutes trying to find enough courage to open it

  I do that everyday since two weeks. They might think I'm a weirdo

  ·                             

  6:16pm

  
  

  viced

  I didn't know that. And i'm sorry, i know its hard..It so fucking scary. But it will help, that i know

  ahah, i doubt that                             

  6:17pm

  
  

  runner 

  Well, I do. that's where I am before actually being at school. On the swings of the hill next to the rec room, watching a center. Sooooo interesting!

  I don't think anyone know that. Even Riley or Justice or Annie or someone else.

  I was theree this morning too. and then I did the thing I don't talk about so I got to school super late during 4th.

  ·                             

  

  
  

  6:19pm

  
  

  viced

  Nono, i doubt they think you're a weirdo hun. I did that same exact thing a few days ago, when i went to the dentist.

  I hope that thing went well that you did(:

  ·                             

  6:20pm

  
  

  runner

  hahaha dentist. I hate going there too.

  It did. I feel so much better now, I was so scared before and now I'm like"ah, nothing bad:D"

  ·                             

  6:21pm

  
  

  
  

  viced

  thats good:)

  ·                             

  6:21pm

  
  

  runner

  yeah:3 but watching the sme place each morning for 2 weeks... oh god, I'm such a coward xD

  ·                             

  6:24pm

  Viced

  ahahah, thats okay.xD

   tomorrow.

  ·                             

  6:25pm

  Runner

  yes.

  I'll try to make it to be a good day

  
  
  
   so I won't run.

  kay, I have to walk home (I'm at thecafe)

  so I talk to you later:3

  ·                             

  6:27pm

  Viced

  okay, it will be an awesome day, don't woryr. 

  ILOVEYOu

  ·                             

  7:16pm

  Runner

  I hope. We'll see.

  I don't want rain, that's tearing medown.

  (I want a storm!)

  ·                             

  7:18pm

  Viced

  
  

  I guess thats where we aren't the same person, haha(: I love rain...i love how it makes me feel-so alive, so awake. So real. 

  
  

  I even wrote a paper on it:P 

  
  

  me too!

  ·                             

  7:19pm

  Runner

  I like storms. I feel alive when I see lightening. I like smoking under the rain though. haha(:

  ·                             

  7:21pm

  Viced

  
  

  Storms are fun when you're with someone:) 

  
  

  that sounds nice.

  ·                             

  7:24pm

  Runner

  haha I'd prefer being alone during that

  because then you are like surviving.

  ·                             

  7:27pm

  Viced

  I guess i just like the idea of surviving with someone.

  ·                             

  7:27pm

  Runner

  haha

  probably

  the only person I survived storms with was my sister. And Pauline one day. We were walking in a lake not too deep and it was like

  BOOAMB POOOUM PAM BOOOM

  and we were just splash splash

  ·                             

  7:29pm

  Viced

  
  

  ahahahax) splash splash:) 

  
  

  thanks for coming to cooking today, you make that class less lonley<3

  ·                             

  7:30pm

  Runner

  you're welcome(:

  I was just hanging in the way thing

  cause I wanted to brush my teeth or something

  and Casseri and the nurse were like "go to class."

  ·                             

  7:34pm

  Viced

  ahahaha. you should come more often

  ·                             

  7:34pm

  Runner

  I'm already going sooo often!

  ·                             

  7:35pm

  Viced

  ahahhaah, totally

  ·                             

  7:37pm

  Runner

  well.... yeah.

  I mean... cooking is actually the class I'm going the most to. With spanish

  and then it's language

  ·                             

  7:40pm

  Viced

  Well, thats okay, you've graduated already anyways. remember that all these teacher care about you though.

  ·                             

  7:46pm

  Runner

  I don't know what they would.

  I mean... classes... that's not important.

  ·                             

  7:50pm

  Viced

  They care about you. We invited you to our school, we they want you to enjoy your time here, want you to be alright. Putney especially, he cares about people like us. Spence as well, shes a kindred heart.(:

  ·                             

  7:51pm

  Runner

  okay, great. Like if I didn't know that.

  ... sorry

  *bad new making me mad.

  
  

  Ignore me.*

  ·                             

  7:55pm

  Viced

  
  

  I know you know that. Sometimes it helps to hear it from someone else though. 

  
  

  thats okay, my Low was making me freak for a little bit. She's going away though.

  i think i've decided my low doesn't have a gender cause it's everying, but i'll refer to it as she because until i figure it out.

  ·                             

  7:56pm

  Runner

  low?

  ·                             

  7:57pm

  Viced

  -my low is, basically, a symptom of me...it's that feeling i get when my insides sink and i get really sad and tired and suicidal.

  
  
    
     
  but it's like a person, an entity.,

    when i can't breath
  

  ·                               

  8:11pm

  Runner

  Irene!

  I have that!

  I call it the wall.

  there is a window in this wall. It's my eyes. But no door. And sometimes, the window is close and everything is dark and I'm in jail.

  inside me

  ·                             

  8:15pm

  Viced

  Really? God, it's crazy how our minds work...the Low, the Wall, the black hole. 

  
  

  I've never thought of it that way...like a room. that's a good way to think of it. It's always just been like i said, an entity to me. And it just happens so suddenly sometimes, you know? Like, out of nowhere..and then that black hole can find its way in.

  ·                             

  8:19pm

  Runner

  who has the "black hole"?

  oh yeah

  mine is a room too

  with windows all over the place if i'm happy

  and wind and stuff and sun

  but when I'm not ok, windows are close. I can't have links with the outside of myself anymore. It's dark and I can just watch my life happening like a movie through my eyes

  so I run away. I try to escape the jail, to not be in a close place anymore

  ·                             

  8:22pm

  Viced

  the black hole follows the low with me, but i think annie  A has the black hole.

  that makes...so much sense. And i'm glad you told me,,,i fell like i understand.. something, something a bit more.

  ·                             

  8:22pm

  Runner

  My french friends never got that. They think I was weird.

  But I told them. I'm not the only one having a wall. Or a hole.

  Because mine is also a hole

  you fall. You keep falling between walls.

  ·                             

  8:26pm

  Viced

  
  

  Falling between walls and into holes, ditches. Ditches the Low digs. Walls Yours builds. I understand. For once, i actually do...and that feels good. 

  
  

  But there are always people like you, people like our friends and lovelies to help pull us out. we need to remember that.

  ·                             

  8:28pm

  Runner

  We want to, and that's easier when they understand. I thought I had a sort of mental problem last year, because they didn't understand, because they almost gave up helping me, because I was sure nobody cared.

  ·                             

  8:32pm

  Viced

  We aren't viced, we aren't mental. we are Young. We were trying to figure everything out-looking beyond what others were looking at, beyond what anyone wanted to see. And got lost. And now we are trying to find our way back and we need help.

  Now you know there are people who care-and we aren't going to give up. even if somedays we get more lost than others.

  ·                             

  8:32pm

  Runner

  hey, I said that before;)

  yeah...

  I know. And that's why I'm so scared and freaking out about leaving

  I just had this one mail from my dad about the plane from Paris to Toulouse

  I'll be "home" in southern france around 5:30pm on the 25th

  and I just want to cry and not leave.

  ·                             

  8:36pm

  Viced

  
  

  I know, i was quoting you;) 

  
  

  You'll be back. You will be back. Don't ever doubt it. 

  
  

  and when you're there, and i'm in argentina and everyone is here, we won't lose touch. with anyone. Because the modern world is full of ways to love and laugh and miss but not miss to much when you are far away. it'll be okay-trust me. please.

  ·                             

  8:40pm

  Runner

  I knew you were!

  I hope.

  I'm just so scared.

  Sometimes it hurts so much to think about everyone in France, far from me. And it hurts the same when I realize I'll see them again and maybe not everyone here. Beause after this one year, I HAD to go back. I knew it'll be only 10 months

  but before seeing everyone here again? How many months? How many years?

  I just want to hide and scream and cry cause I don't know where I want to be

  ·                             

  8:43pm

  Viced

  I'm scared too. I'm scared for the future. I'm scared to survive but i know we will because we are still so young and there is so much more to be experienced. And we will get you back here. We will. No matter what.

  ·                             

  8:44pm

  Runner

  But... what if we get used to not see each other anymore?

  I'm just so scared. There is too much to fear. I don't give a fuck about the future, but I hate looking back to the past and understanding how gone it is.

  ·                             

  8:45pm

  Viced

  
  

  Then at least it wont hurt so much anymore. But i know that's not going to happen, because you're me and i'm you so how can we get used to that? 

  Well, then thats why we have to make as much as we can on the present.

  ·                             

  8:47pm

  Runner

  We can't. I need to go back next summer. At least to have a goal in life. 

  The present is the best thing we have. There is no tomorrow, it doesn't exist, never. We're making plan for the future present, or looking back to the past present.

  
  

  But there is just ONE present, and that's all

  ·                             

  8:48pm

  
  

  Viced

  Yes! And the clem jar will help, we can set it up before i leave:)

  So true

  so fucking true

  Can i post this conversation to my blog? It's so amazing. It's so perfect. I won't name you of course

  and if not, thats okay.

  ·                             

  8:50pm

  Runner

  Like... soon? 

  You can haha you can even keep my name, I don't really care, just enjoy the philosophy of my beautiful and perfect words. (laugh)

  I want to see this clem jar.

  don't ever forget it.