-what do you think about?-

...just, about, you know, how much I hate myself. And how little control i have over my life, and, you know,  how worthless I am

I should stop asking questions if I don't have the balls to answer them myself.

But yeah. Worthless. That's something I've been tagging myself as lately

like, honest to fucking god I have no talents. I'm not spectacular at anything. I'm no good in the maths sciences, pretty fucking average at art in the long run and a good writer? Man, why would I even try to fool myself. I have no talents. Everyone who says so is a fucking liar. Honest to god.
                  
      

      de   a_r   l rd  forgive m_e for Iha  ve sin_ned.
This isn't a pity post. It's not asif anyone but spam pages break the walls of my blog anyways, so who would be there to pity me

the point is

i'm a shitfuckwaste of space

The only reason I'm sticking around,

                                       besides the fact that I'm too much of a wimp to do it?

is for the few people I know care

The people that I care about
who are so unstable
that me offing myself might push them upnover the e     d  g  e   if i


I'd just want to get away from everyone, right? Go to a land full of poppies and roses and night skies and vans and vagabonds. 

But I stay


And I hope i can impact the world or just an individual in some way in the future

I want to make a difference. 

I'm not going to be worthless for the rest of my life.

Who cares if I'm a fucking loser In highschool
           

                                               i do 

Who cares if everyone  thinks i'm an antisocial worthless fuck uped weirdo who tries to hard and is a total wannabe and has scars on her arms and gets fatter everyfuckin day and whos hair is falling out and doesn't grow anymore and spends her time at the nurses an dnever smiles and who walks hunched over and who doesn't fit the social stratosphere of what to wear and who do be and what to act like and how to laugh and what shoes to wear and what classes to take and who to socialize with and what shows to watch and what to do with my life and who to fuck and who to love and how to live. 

                                      i do

Who cares if i kill myself 

yeah

who cares.

         


                                                      God, I just really fucking hate myself.

At least the mountains are perfect. 

Hysterias

 The mountains can withstand wars and catastrophes and still stand silently watching and protecting and thinking about us humans for ages

The moon can illuminate all my hysteria and apathy and empathy and sorrows
and i;m lost in the thought of my future

paralyzed by the incessant tides of my confusion and hate and

 loss of selfworth and loss of anything

i just want flowers

god, I just want to lay on our roofs with you or someone or maybe just the sky and smoke a cigarette and think about life and death and most importantly
           n  o    t
                       h   i  n
                                g 

just want to sit on the roof of our cars and play the guitar

whispering sweet nothings into the ceaseless wind

feeding the flowers with the ashes of my vices.


but

i'm to preoccupied with whats coming to move on with what i wan't to do in my mind  now.







i'm stuck
Tearing these veins from my skin I'm stuck
Stuck falling
crashing
drowning.
Hysterisizing. \\\\

stuck wanting flowers. 

We're not dead, just dying and living, dear heart. dear runner.

     Why does listening to dramamine make me want to cry
laugh
go crazy

and seeing photos of kurt cobain makes me so sad


and talking to you makes me lose hope                                                                go insane


becauseeachday that passes you slip farther and farther and farther and farther and farther and farther and farther and farther and farther away and i'm so scared

           i
 can't 
          lose you

"the moment you realize

that your bones are made of the same dust

as the planets, 

your lungs are breathing the same air

as the migrating butterflies,

and your blood is pumping because

of the love and care of thousands;

is when you realize

that you are not as broken

as you think you are. 

you are full

of the world. "

I need you i need you i need y

god

i love you

i love all of you

and i wan't to die

but i don't

i know i don't and i know i won't but i want to 

god i want to

feel what it feels like

But i'm not dead

                        and that's coming, i guess

  someday, 

cause we're all dying. 

                                But for now i'm       a    li   v    e   

-We are alive

WE ARE FUCKING ALIVE

So let's accept that!

Let's take advantage of that!

Do everything to the fullest that we cant

do everything we can't do once we aren't here

runlaughswimlovelustfucksmokecryhitbleedsingyelljumphopemoveontravelEveryFuckingThingThereIs.

We have to accept the fact that we're living.

We can't run away together if we aren't alive.

Smoke and water.

I told you today that I'm going to stop smoking because everytime I start to get high I Tripp that I'm drowning.
You, in all your anxiety and sadness and concern and love asked me if that was something I desired.
How you asked it though
In all your anxiety and sadness and concern
And innocence
And love
How you asked it made me feel like you cared. Like you honestly cared. Like someone did.
And I didn't realize you actually knew how I felt.

I don't want to drown, you made me realize. The past few days I've been thinking I did. And then i remembered that feeling
The feeling of the smoke choking me from the inside
Slowly smothering me as my friends laughed themselves into oblivion
I don't want to drown.
Even though I already am.

Our trips are like dreams. They represent and pull to the surface our feelings. I guess even my subconscious felt I was drowning dying disappearing.
I guess my subconscious wanted me to see what it felt like to die

And it's not a good feeling.



It's scary as fuck.

It's been a while since I've been so sad that I couldn't step out of bed.


I really don't mean to rhyme here. But for some reason I feel like something was left unsaid.

diaphanous

I'm just kind of sad

Just kinda want to cry

disappear

but i can't, i fucking can't

why can't I just go.

i'm so sad 

    all the time

                                        there are so many people and so many decisions and so many things going on and i wish i wish i wish i wish things were different but they're not

this toxicity is growing in me and i can't let it out

and i have to stop talking

I'll just whisper it all to my notebook
the only thing i can't fuck up

Cause everyone else is too diaphanous

And i'm tired of bird metaphors. 

Yeah um

i don't know, 

i guess i'm just dying everyday

but i guess everyone is, right?

That's why we smoke, we fuck, we drive with our eyes closed and cross the roads without looking

because we know we're all dying

because we know that it's all ending

that's why we don't care

we don't care because there's nothing worth caring for

except for others,

but they're dying too

except the ocean

but it's turning toxic

maybe the mountains

but they're just falling
crumbling
everything everything everything is dying
disappearing

except for me

i just want to f
         a
                 l
                      l

[fly]

disappear and die

no, not that, just disappear,

like a ghost leaving footprints in the snow

i miss my birdcage ribs, mountain valley hips

everything i despise is what is keeping me alive but i don't care about that anymore

I'm empty i guess

 -And when you touched my scars, I don't know why I didn't like it,
maybe it's because i've wanted someone to touch them for so long
but not you
not you because
because it doesn't feel right.