Smoke and water.

I told you today that I'm going to stop smoking because everytime I start to get high I Tripp that I'm drowning.
You, in all your anxiety and sadness and concern and love asked me if that was something I desired.
How you asked it though
In all your anxiety and sadness and concern
And innocence
And love
How you asked it made me feel like you cared. Like you honestly cared. Like someone did.
And I didn't realize you actually knew how I felt.

I don't want to drown, you made me realize. The past few days I've been thinking I did. And then i remembered that feeling
The feeling of the smoke choking me from the inside
Slowly smothering me as my friends laughed themselves into oblivion
I don't want to drown.
Even though I already am.

Our trips are like dreams. They represent and pull to the surface our feelings. I guess even my subconscious felt I was drowning dying disappearing.
I guess my subconscious wanted me to see what it felt like to die

And it's not a good feeling.



It's scary as fuck.