Doors, ditches, and lows.

NO! No! i'm doing Okay right now! i'm doing fine, please, please, i felt the Shift. Goddamn Shift, i haven't felt it all day today. i felt the shift and after the shift either comes a high directly followed by a low- caused by knowing the High wont last- or the low or just comes directly. The fucking low. You fucking Low. You lonely entity. i'm so tired and the adderral didn't help.

i think what causes these lows are a mix of exhaustion and my insides skipping moving dropping due to anyThingOneTimePlace. Anything exciting.sad.dramatic.new.frustrating.hard. 

Did i just figure out the equation?

 Fog.mind + inskip = Low.

Low = Exhaustion,suffocation,compression,need for attention. 

Now what's the equation for turning this around? 

i'm so far close. i'm so close i'm so close i'm so close i'm so close i'm so close i'm so close i'm so close to not caring. Before i couldn't place my finger on what it was i wanted but now know i know that that is what i want. i don't want to be ignorant or oblivious or stupidly happy stupid but happy- i want to be                                                                 

          -i'msoscared and i don't want to think about the future. i don't know whats coming. i dont know why i'm scared-i think i'm scared that it won't get better in time.                                                      

able to surpasssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss all the drama and pain and high-school problems and fears of the future  and concentrate on the bigger picture, on life, on happiness, on helping those in need and i can't do that when i'm in the statefateplacehatedazeditchesphasewallsplacealleysalleyways i've been in for the past five years. i need healthy apathy. i need more knowledge i need understanding i need to breath i need                                                                             

space                                        
                                                      but i don't have the time for that.


Please, please please please please please please just. just. Just leave me alone, leave us alone, let her tear break burn you down you her Wall. please, let me be peaceful. i'm so close to some epiphany so close i think to what i need to find so close to my ideal apathy, i need just a little more time. Please, please leave me, Low, leave me alone, high,  normal, fine, peaceful, chill, okay, alright. Leave me where i am. 

                                                     i don't need you.
                      and i don't need this low.



i'm almost there. 

                        Vice#7-this low.
      Priority#1 to get rid of. 

Closer to the sun but far from the moon

Peoplescreamingout they're gonna see me real soon.

Talking points.

Well fuck.
That didn't solve anything.



And sorry means as much as a promise these days.

In fact its the Fact of the matter as a matter of fact.

                        God damn, it's always the same with me. But fuck, i can't deal anymore. Not anymore, still. Trust doesn't fucking mean shit anymore, words don't mean anything. It's about time i learnt that, before she fucking stabs me even more. And it's not the fact that it happened it really isn't. Thats just a small part of it. Neither of them you they anyone matter enough for that so don't get a big head. It's the fact of the matter. It's the fact that she they he everyone denied it time and time and time and time and time and time and time and time and time and time and time again and made me feel guilty and stupid for suspecting no for caring no feeling and i'm just so tired of everyone, everything. i'm so tired of (in)humanity and drama and reasons and her and him and we and we and him and her her him and all of them fuck I need to run away
i'm not the one who bullshitted you, sweetie. i didn't lie about anything. i didn't swear to anything, and we didn't do..-we didn't do anything. It never happened.
so no, honey. We didn't basically do the same thing.
So stop bullshitting. All of you.

And just leave me the Fuck alone.

Upside down

Right side up don't know where i'm goin don't know where i'm coming from got some ideas in my pocket and i can pull one out but i'm fucking all over right now and i
i can't figure it out

It's a fucking Mind Mountain and i can't find the lyrics trying to sing it out but fuck it i'll scream it
out
so you can fucking feel it.

Don't know where i'm at and I'm lost in a hazedazemezmarazed, but i'll just keep goin down-i don't need to find a way.

i'm just making my own way away.-What else is there to say.

but i'm fine

i'm just so tired

and i can't fucking breath.


                                  




               

Fuckk.

Can't breath
i  can. But                it hurts


                   i don't even know why.

i need the rain i need to run away i need the rain i need to run away i need cold i need air i need to breath but i can't fucking leave all this behind what the hell am i doing here what the hell am i supposed to do oh fuck of fuck oh fuck i don't know what i'm doing i don't know why i'm letting myself get  caught up cause really i can't i can't i CANT do that anymore.

Why the hell can't i understand that.













                                     i just need to leave everything behind.