Good things are red, blue, orange, green, yellow, white, purple, indigo, black-in every shade and every tone.
Misery is transparent. 

i wish we never changed  I wish we could all just laugh again. 

losingit-

Ican'ttakethisanymorethehatethelossofcontrolthenumbnesstheanger.

I need help but I don't want to ask for it
I need someone but everyone is caught up in their own problems
I need him but i don't miss him.
I need her to be okay.

I need to be okay. 

The secret to Life and Living.

Someone?

Is there anybody out there? I doubt it, it's not the most interesting blog. I don't even know how to make this more public, but its sad thinking that I'm just speaking into an empty room. Not that its completely worthless, I guess it's healthy to get my thoughts out into the real world. Maybe I can understand myself better that way.

So, again, is there anybody out there?

Struggle.

I've gained weight. Doctors orders, but I was gaining before the doctor even told me that I should gain five to ten pounds. The gap in my thighs are closing and I'm losing the flat tummy I've been losing for months. I've been binging again and I need it to stop. I'm pretty sure I can get back on the healthy track next week, so I'm going to try as hard as I can. But it's hard when you're obsessed. It's hard when you can't stop thinking about food. I fucking hate it. I banged my hand up on the wall today in frustration, something I haven't done in a while and something I've only done a few times. I'm thinking about cutting myself again after MONTHS of not doing it.

It's difficult to put weight on after being so skinny and feel good about yourself. After being able to always see your ribs, being able to feel them and imagine that you can almost feel your lungs. It's hard, after your legs were so skinny the gap in your thighs ran from your fork to your knees instead of just the middle of your thighs. I remember being able to overlap my index finger and thumb around my wrist, being able to wrap them against my forearms. Now, they barely touch. They don't even come close to touching around my forearm, though. I miss my hipbones the most. april edit-i miss being normal the most.

I need help. What the fuck am I supposed to do?

Fucked.

This'll probably end up being a rant; I have no idea where i'm going with this.

I've gone through a lot of different e.d's. I've been anorexic, bulimic, and a binge eater. I've said before, each time I pass into a new phase, I can't remember the last one. Well, I've started binging again, have been for the last week. And really, I almost hate it as much as purging. The feeling of loss of control, not being able to stop even when your past the point of just being full. God, How do I stop this again? I've gone through it before, but I don't think it was this bad! I just want my normality back.

Maybe I'm exaggerating though..I tend to do that. I think I did that with my anorexia, especially since it turns out I'm an inch and  a half shorter than I thought it was. Reading other peoples stories, maybe I wasn't anorexic, but wannarexic. I was underweight though, and I was restraining a lot.

But maybe this will stop. How though? Can anyone help me? Has this happened to you? It just started this last week. I was doing soo good too. I hate going backwards! I fucking HATE it.

But I guess that's part of life, aint it.