Dependency isn't the only thief at night

right now, i think petty jealousy is. 

Total confusion.

Man, we're all fucked up.

It's amazing how quickly a group people can become interconnected ..one or two events simultaneously and indirectly effecting tens on infinity of other events. Tons of little bunches of confusion, of jealousy  of hatred and despise and pride and possession and lust and low self confidence.

Maybe we're all just a scale model of the Bigger Picture; Everyone is this interconnected in real life, and we're just practicing this theory through high school drama.

Goddamn confusion.
 


                                    At least it's not just me.

In the past, i've asked many people who's opinions i valued the following, universal question-

Is it better to be completely happy , and unable..not allowed to feel anything else, or mentally free to feel anyway you want-miserable or content, pessimistic or optimistic, sad or happy, etc.

                         in other words, would you rather be Happy and ignorant or  be drowning in your thoughts and knowledge of the world. 


The answer was pretty much unanimous- free to feel any way they want. 

for what, one of these people said, is happiness without a soul?

i used to agree with them. i thought that it was the best choice, the only choice, because that way our happiness actually meant something. This way our happiness was comparable, we could tell and appreciate when we were content because there were other feelings to weigh said feeling against. When your free to feel any way you want, "emotion" is no longer just a word. It's the whole universe.

                  i used to be critical of people who depended on chemical fulfillment in order to be at peace. i thought that that was as pointless as being happy yet ignorant- if you can't make your own happiness you aren't trying hard enough, i thought. i didn't despise those who had to depend on drugs, i just pitied them. 

Now, i realized that it's not my place to feel pity for them. i've found that sometimes, you just can't find fulfillment or happiness naturally                      and you try and try and try and try and try and try and try and try and try and try but sometimes it's just futile. You don't get anywhere.
Everyone deserves to be happy, so if someone is unable to find it themselves and they've tried and they're tired, who is to judge them for finding it in the only way that they can.

i don't disagree with the phrase "ignorance is bliss" anymore. i used too. i used to take pride in my fucked up screwed over trainwreck of a brain.

                             It made me different.

Now though, i've decided that really,  i'd rather be blissful and ignorant.

-i'm just too fucking tired of drowning. 

i hate when people don't care

             and i hate when people overreact

i hate when someones to caught up with themselves to notice whats wrong

and i hate when my friends act like dicks

when they smoke just to act cool

when its not 'chicks over dicks' anymore

when i'm fucking left out

when anyone is fucking left out.

i hate being so dependent on other people in order to feel happy. 

i hate when people don't keep their promises

or just forget

i hate when my posts show up in comic sans.

i hate when the format is off.

i truly hate the word hate. i hate that i keep using it.

i hate when i feel this way

i really hate when i feel this way.

                 










                                                                                                                           right now





                                                                                        i just fucking hate everyone. 

.whatthehellisgoingon

somewhereibelongg

i don't know what i want to do anymore. i don't know what i can do-if there is anything to do. i used to be so convinced i wanted to return Home, return South with the people who understood me and were always there for me...now, now i'm not sure. They weren't perfect those people, and i'd feel left out as often as i do here. i'd feel lost as often as i do anywhere. if there's one rule i have in life it's don't go where you aren't wanted.
 i think what i need is to go somewhere where i don't know anyone and no one knows me, where i'm not relying on anyone but myself for happiness and contentedness and familiarity and i can focus all my thoughts on moving forward and learning about the world myself life 4th dimensions and having experiences and having fun and changing without third party influences other than the cultural ethical environmental ones i'd be facing. i just want to travel, i don't want to have a home or people who i can disappoint or sadly who can disappoint me which is a terrible thing to say because if you love or care about someone that's unconditional right? But it's not. Truly it's not that's just something mothers fathers parents guardians say when they're convincing themselves not to leave. We expect too much yet at the same time so little and we are constantly preparing yet unprepared for disappointment. i can't tell them how to live their lives and i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try i try  to make myself not care cause fuck what does it have to do with me but i can't i can't i can't i can't fucking help it.

i need to leave. i need to find someplace i belong or don't belong. i need to find a place full of no one i know.

idon'tevenknow.

i had something to say., Truly, i did. it was like a mad rush of word v
                                                                          o
                                                                            m
                                                         i 
                                         

                                                                    t coming from a train of thought that wouldn't stop until it c
                                                                                                                                                     r
                                                                                                                                                 a
                                                                                                                                                  s
                                                                                                                                       h e
                                                                          |                                                                 d. and my hands were poised on the keyboard and my first l|etters came out and they were Fu and then they got erased so there was               nothing and there <========>went my thoughts for this post was going to startout like "Fuckinghell" but then it got erased and with it all the conscientiousness of what i was going to write                                                                

                                                                         
and then it got rewritten by loving hands who'd seen what i was writing. and it was rewritten and it was written fu..cklove and then i laughed and they laughed and we all laughed except for not really because i was dying inside but i talked and we talked and then we actually laughed and then i was happy with her and them with my little frenchie who i just met this year but yet she's become so close and she understands me completely but then i left and started to remember other things about this day this day this day this day this day this day this day this day like feeling all alone even though i was surrounded by people who cared and being lost in the morning yet finally finding peace that way
and                             in a jealousy that                                                                                                                                                                                 
               drowning                                                                                                         

 i don't even fucking understand but that all is just selfish selfish selfish. why am i so fucking selfish-
                                     -maybe you just wish you could be the one that's happy for once
but im human so what the hell do you expect. i cant even say everything that i want to say because im afraid you she it him they will read between the lines and understand what this is really about but fuck ive already said so much in this blog that many you included shouldn't know, because fuck if you don't own your own thoughts then what do you truly have and then just now just now just now the text from her the other her the her that's been with me these past few years and that has gone through so much and who i love to the
                                                                                  m
                                                                           o
                                                                          o
                                                                            o
                                                                                   n
 
     and back and who made me feel this way today and she can just say something that turns my mood around, positive or negative, but now it just happened to be positive yet sad and that is the story of how my day went from being tremendously shitty in all aspects to just shitty in some.

the end.