Friday, May 31, 2013

You.

fuuuckkkkkkkk

i don't hate you but i really do sometimes.

Like now

cause you're so fucking confusing, man.




                       And you know what? i know you know it. 

runner and the viced two



1:51am
Viced
I can't do this double life shit anymore man.
Runner
I can't either.
Viced
I Can't go back there.
9 hours ago
Runner
Here? Why... Because of J and A?
and your [dad]?

I wish things could be ok. For everyone. I wish I could stay and see you soon again. I wish you could follow me in France. I wish A stopped smoking that much. I wish J stopped dealing drugs. I wish people could be happy together. I wish they respected promises and I wish no one would lie about things. I wish we had solutions. I wish we could forgive. Or forget. I wish Alex got better and felt better. I wish we lived free. I wish money didn't exist. I wish [R] liked me. I wish I had more than 24 days left. I wish I didn't have to go to Kenai for two days this week end. I wish my dad would stop doing this money and affective blackmail. I wish I could stop smoking cigarettes. I wish we could all teleport ourselves to see the people we love when we want to. I wish things were different. And I know they can't change.
But I love you. And they love you. And that's the truth.
And that's the only thing that matter.
about a minute ago

Viced

Yeah. Because of them. the energy. the drama the fucking mixed signals and confused feelings.

I wish i could just follow you to france too, or you could just follow me here. I wish everyone would just stop hurting themselves in one way or another and lying and cheating and being deceitful and con-men and
I wish all those things were true for you.
But there's no sense in wishing.
It doesn't change anything. There are so many things that I want to say but people, they, would think i'm crazy, they would wonder why I felt the need to say such things when really it's not that dramatic. I just don't know what to say, I do i mean but i just can't say it. To you it's easy to talk...I can talk to A, J, alex as well but I can't say what i Truly want tosay...i just say everything else. And I can't deal with that anymore. I can't deal with all these submerged feelings trying to surface. I can't go back.

I loveyouiloveyouiloveyou so much. You i love. And i love them, too. But i don't believe they love me
. Not enough for it to be worth saying, worth saving. If they did, if she did, things from the past maybe wouldn't have happened. And he...I just try not to believe anything he says anyways.

it is the only thing that matters. But only, only when you're sure its true.
goodvibrations, man, we need it. I don't want you to go back behind your wall. I wish more than anything that you could just live live live live live live in reality and live live live live live live and break down your wall. And i know someday you will be able too. I say this cause i don't want this conversation, these circumstances and the concept of time to make you sad, to get you down.

I love you C runner. And i mean it.
Chat Conversation End

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

[in]humanity.

Is it bad that i can get worked up over something i saw over the internet? Comments idiotic people make because they don't know better, because they're too close minded to think before they speak to empty minded to realize they don't know what they are talking about. Is it bad that these things i saw made me want to cry, made me want to cry because it's comments like those that push people over the edge.

Cutting. Cutting cutting cutting Cutter. The word loses meaning once you read say [feel] it too much. Saying Cutter,  i think, is like saying [Nigger]. The only people who should say those words are the people who actually belong to those words-others shouldn't label them in that way.


"If you cut have the decency to hide it"
"People that cut themselves are mentally sick !  Grow the fuck up! You don't have the worst life out there so stop cutting... Because no one gives a fuck. everyone has their own story."

People have the right to be proud of their scars. Or, to be scared of them. Showing them off, it means they're getting stronger. It means they're trying trying trying trying trying to move on but they need help.
And, some just want to show them off. It's true that some do it for atttention. i know i did, i do. But that in itself isn't something that should not be labeled as [stupid]. There's probably a psychological need longing feeling reason we feel that that's the way to get the attention we crave, and it's not a good thing to think, not a good thing to[ feel]. People who are hurt like that, they're hurting enough already-they don't need anyone to label them as a moron, a [fucking cunt a fucking attention whore] they them whoever we know that what we are doing.isn't.right. But it's a vice. Everyone has their own story it's true-that doesn't mean everyone can deal with it the same way. It doesn't mean everyone knows how to deal with it.

"fucked up but shes the idiot for doin it...stupid as fuck.."
" Why would you want to put your body through more harm than what was already done to it, my opinion is she wants attention and is stupid as fuck and she gets none of my sympathy!"
" if you feel like the only way to control your environment is to create pain upon your own flesh; just do society a favor jump off a bridge lol."

Have you ever felt the black hole, the wall, the entity, the ditch?

Have you ever felt the [deep, dark numbness inside your chest, growing like a cancer, not letting you breath think see feel cry]

Have you ever felt the [barrier from the outside world, making you feel like nothing is real, everything is surreal, and you can't touch the world. You're in a prison looking out through a foggy window. Your watching yourself in a movie in a dream but you aren't a part of it]

Have you ever felt the [shadow behind you, telling you everything you do is wrong, making you fall and stepping on your hands, enticing you to the edge, pretending to be your friend lover guardian angel]

Have you ever fallen in [the hole ditch grave that your entity has dug for you, that your mind has dug for you that won't let you escape without a rope thrown to you by someone else. You can't climb up the walls cause the dirt slips, and each struggle to escape just digs you down deeper]

Have you ever. Have you ever felt any of these glorious sensations. Have you ever tried to stop them. Have you ever tried to find a sane healthy anyway out of them,

[screaming]any fucking way at all

Cause believe me, i have. And i'm sure many other people in my position have as well.

but i was just too fucking tired. Tired of fighting the current, fighting my entity, fighting the wall, the ditch, the black hole. Hurting myself was an escape.

Physical pain felt                                                       better than mental pain

It helped me        b  r   e    a   t      h

And i know that's what it can do for others as well.



                                                                         So don't speak about what you don't know. 

Good liberationsandeternaldamnation.

goodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibratiosgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodimitationssgoodvibratiosgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodlimitationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibratiosgoodmigrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibratiosgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodinovationgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibratiosgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodlimitationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibratiosgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibratiosgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibratiosgoodimitationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibratiosgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibratiosgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibratiosgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodlimitationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibratiosgoodimaginationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibratiosgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibratiosgoodvibrationsgoodsensationsgoodvibrationsgoodlimitationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibratiosgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibratiosgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodimaginationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibratiosgoodvibrationsgooimitationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibratiosgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodvibrationsgoodintegrationgoodvibratiosgoodvibrationsgoodLiberation.


i'm so happy here. i [want] this to last. i don't [want] to go back but i do i do i do [miss] them so much. But i don't [miss] the drama, the toxicity, the unhappiness and bad moments although bad moments are [eternal] and universal and it shouldn't be something that stops me from wanting to go back. i miss them but they're leaving.  Some are staying...the Kid is staying and i'm so so so so happy about that, cause i [need] him too. But some won't even be there when i get back. [She] won't even be there when i get back and i need her i need her i [love] her so much. She's me and although that fucking sucks for her it makes me [miss] her even more.

i miss them all. But i don't want to go back. i can't go back. No regrets no regrets no regrets no regrets no regrets No Regrets

But i can't face those days again. 

Friday, May 24, 2013

wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhello 

Thursday, May 23, 2013

So. Lets try this. First time blogging compromised, although, the compromisation has lessened a bit.

Still confused, still sad but with a hint of color. i finished putting everything away and boxing up this year but it was hard and [people i love] are here and it is nice and its a nice day.

i'm tired. i was so scared today, but everything was fine. [Twitching ]down the road, losing myself and then finding everything again. i was stupid, i was gone, it was
 i was ontopoftheworld, my world was fucked, looking straight up at space and the world and god and [disappearing] in its darkness
 


                                                     i'm floating

i
 '
m  

      fa
   l
       l  i
             n
           g

and there's so little time left. 

Saturday, May 18, 2013

i canonlybreath
when i'm in high places.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

i know i'm going to look back in these posts someday and think

Goddamn i had it easy.



Hopefully i won't be to embarrassed by these past writings.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

The Runner and The Viced.



  • ·                            The runner-
    I counted the days. Again.
    How are you love?
    I promise I will. 
    I want to go to the center tomorrow.
    ·      
      
              
    6:10pm

    The viced



    I'm okay. The adderall didn't effect me at all.

    You've promised before sweetie, and you've told me to force you, but I cant and it hurts so much to be so helpless. I wan't to go talk , and even if you don't want to talk with them i'd like you to go with me for moral support, if you want.
    ·                             
    6:12pm

    runner
    No. Tomorrow I want to go. You had me on bad days. And on bad days, I just run away, because that's my only way to protect myself. And I will go with you, because I want to. I just hate feeling trapped by people telling me "hey, go" because I take it as a bad thing.
    ·                             
    6:13pm

    viced
    I know, i understand love, it's just hard. 
    But thats not your fault, i know oyu're trying.
    ·                             
    6:13pm
    runner
    But you migtht not know that each fucking morning, instead of going to school, I stop in front of this center and I watch the door for 30 minutes trying to find enough courage to open it
    I do that everyday since two weeks. They might think I'm a weirdo
    ·                             
    6:16pm

    viced
    I didn't know that. And i'm sorry, i know its hard..It so fucking scary. But it will help, that i know
    ahah, i doubt that                             
    6:17pm

    runner 
    Well, I do. that's where I am before actually being at school. On the swings of the hill next to the rec room, watching a center. Sooooo interesting!
    I don't think anyone know that. Even Riley or Justice or Annie or someone else.
    I was theree this morning too. and then I did the thing I don't talk about so I got to school super late during 4th.
    ·                             

    6:19pm

    viced
    Nono, i doubt they think you're a weirdo hun. I did that same exact thing a few days ago, when i went to the dentist.
    I hope that thing went well that you did(:
    ·                             
    6:20pm

    runner
    hahaha dentist. I hate going there too.
    It did. I feel so much better now, I was so scared before and now I'm like"ah, nothing bad:D"
    ·                             
    6:21pm


    viced
    thats good:)
    ·                             
    6:21pm

    runner
    yeah:3 but watching the sme place each morning for 2 weeks... oh god, I'm such a coward xD
    ·                             
    6:24pm
    Viced
    ahahah, thats okay.xD
     tomorrow.
    ·                             
    6:25pm
    Runner
    yes.
    I'll try to make it to be a good day



     so I won't run.
    kay, I have to walk home (I'm at thecafe)
    so I talk to you later:3
    ·                             
    6:27pm
    Viced
    okay, it will be an awesome day, don't woryr. 
    ILOVEYOu
    ·                             
    7:16pm
    Runner
    I hope. We'll see.
    I don't want rain, that's tearing medown.
    (I want a storm!)
    ·                             
    7:18pm
    Viced

    I guess thats where we aren't the same person, haha(: I love rain...i love how it makes me feel-so alive, so awake. So real. 

    I even wrote a paper on it:P 

    me too!
    ·                             
    7:19pm
    Runner
    I like storms. I feel alive when I see lightening. I like smoking under the rain though. haha(:
    ·                             
    7:21pm
    Viced

    Storms are fun when you're with someone:) 

    that sounds nice.
    ·                             
    7:24pm
    Runner
    haha I'd prefer being alone during that
    because then you are like surviving.
    ·                             
    7:27pm
    Viced
    I guess i just like the idea of surviving with someone.
    ·                             
    7:27pm
    Runner
    haha
    probably
    the only person I survived storms with was my sister. And Pauline one day. We were walking in a lake not too deep and it was like
    BOOAMB POOOUM PAM BOOOM
    and we were just splash splash
    ·                             
    7:29pm
    Viced

    ahahahax) splash splash:) 

    thanks for coming to cooking today, you make that class less lonley<3
    ·                             
    7:30pm
    Runner
    you're welcome(:
    I was just hanging in the way thing
    cause I wanted to brush my teeth or something
    and Casseri and the nurse were like "go to class."
    ·                             
    7:34pm
    Viced
    ahahaha. you should come more often
    ·                             
    7:34pm
    Runner
    I'm already going sooo often!
    ·                             
    7:35pm
    Viced
    ahahhaah, totally
    ·                             
    7:37pm
    Runner
    well.... yeah.
    I mean... cooking is actually the class I'm going the most to. With spanish
    and then it's language
    ·                             
    7:40pm
    Viced
    Well, thats okay, you've graduated already anyways. remember that all these teacher care about you though.
    ·                             
    7:46pm
    Runner
    I don't know what they would.
    I mean... classes... that's not important.
    ·                             
    7:50pm
    Viced
    They care about you. We invited you to our school, we they want you to enjoy your time here, want you to be alright. Putney especially, he cares about people like us. Spence as well, shes a kindred heart.(:
    ·                             
    7:51pm
    Runner
    okay, great. Like if I didn't know that.
    ... sorry
    *bad new making me mad.

    Ignore me.*
    ·                             
    7:55pm
    Viced

    I know you know that. Sometimes it helps to hear it from someone else though. 

    thats okay, my Low was making me freak for a little bit. She's going away though.
    i think i've decided my low doesn't have a gender cause it's everying, but i'll refer to it as she because until i figure it out.
    ·                             
    7:56pm
    Runner
    low?
    ·                             
    7:57pm
    Viced
    -my low is, basically, a symptom of me...it's that feeling i get when my insides sink and i get really sad and tired and suicidal.


      
       
    but it's like a person, an entity.,
      when i can't breath
    ·                               
    8:11pm
    Runner
    Irene!
    I have that!
    I call it the wall.
    there is a window in this wall. It's my eyes. But no door. And sometimes, the window is close and everything is dark and I'm in jail.
    inside me
    ·                             
    8:15pm
    Viced
    Really? God, it's crazy how our minds work...the Low, the Wall, the black hole. 

    I've never thought of it that way...like a room. that's a good way to think of it. It's always just been like i said, an entity to me. And it just happens so suddenly sometimes, you know? Like, out of nowhere..and then that black hole can find its way in.
    ·                             
    8:19pm
    Runner
    who has the "black hole"?
    oh yeah
    mine is a room too
    with windows all over the place if i'm happy
    and wind and stuff and sun
    but when I'm not ok, windows are close. I can't have links with the outside of myself anymore. It's dark and I can just watch my life happening like a movie through my eyes
    so I run away. I try to escape the jail, to not be in a close place anymore
    ·                             
    8:22pm
    Viced
    the black hole follows the low with me, but i think annie  A has the black hole.
    that makes...so much sense. And i'm glad you told me,,,i fell like i understand.. something, something a bit more.
    ·                             
    8:22pm
    Runner
    My french friends never got that. They think I was weird.
    But I told them. I'm not the only one having a wall. Or a hole.
    Because mine is also a hole
    you fall. You keep falling between walls.
    ·                             
    8:26pm
    Viced

    Falling between walls and into holes, ditches. Ditches the Low digs. Walls Yours builds. I understand. For once, i actually do...and that feels good. 

    But there are always people like you, people like our friends and lovelies to help pull us out. we need to remember that.
    ·                             
    8:28pm
    Runner
    We want to, and that's easier when they understand. I thought I had a sort of mental problem last year, because they didn't understand, because they almost gave up helping me, because I was sure nobody cared.
    ·                             
    8:32pm
    Viced
    We aren't viced, we aren't mental. we are Young. We were trying to figure everything out-looking beyond what others were looking at, beyond what anyone wanted to see. And got lost. And now we are trying to find our way back and we need help.
    Now you know there are people who care-and we aren't going to give up. even if somedays we get more lost than others.
    ·                             
    8:32pm
    Runner
    hey, I said that before;)
    yeah...
    I know. And that's why I'm so scared and freaking out about leaving
    I just had this one mail from my dad about the plane from Paris to Toulouse
    I'll be "home" in southern france around 5:30pm on the 25th
    and I just want to cry and not leave.
    ·                             
    8:36pm
    Viced

    I know, i was quoting you;) 

    You'll be back. You will be back. Don't ever doubt it. 

    and when you're there, and i'm in argentina and everyone is here, we won't lose touch. with anyone. Because the modern world is full of ways to love and laugh and miss but not miss to much when you are far away. it'll be okay-trust me. please.
    ·                             
    8:40pm
    Runner
    I knew you were!
    I hope.
    I'm just so scared.
    Sometimes it hurts so much to think about everyone in France, far from me. And it hurts the same when I realize I'll see them again and maybe not everyone here. Beause after this one year, I HAD to go back. I knew it'll be only 10 months
    but before seeing everyone here again? How many months? How many years?
    I just want to hide and scream and cry cause I don't know where I want to be
    ·                             
    8:43pm
    Viced
    I'm scared too. I'm scared for the future. I'm scared to survive but i know we will because we are still so young and there is so much more to be experienced. And we will get you back here. We will. No matter what.
    ·                             
    8:44pm
    Runner
    But... what if we get used to not see each other anymore?
    I'm just so scared. There is too much to fear. I don't give a fuck about the future, but I hate looking back to the past and understanding how gone it is.
    ·                             
    8:45pm
    Viced

    Then at least it wont hurt so much anymore. But i know that's not going to happen, because you're me and i'm you so how can we get used to that? 
    Well, then thats why we have to make as much as we can on the present.
    ·                             
    8:47pm
    Runner
    We can't. I need to go back next summer. At least to have a goal in life. 
    The present is the best thing we have. There is no tomorrow, it doesn't exist, never. We're making plan for the future present, or looking back to the past present.

    But there is just ONE present, and that's all
    ·                             
    8:48pm

    Viced
    Yes! And the clem jar will help, we can set it up before i leave:)
    So true
    so fucking true
    Can i post this conversation to my blog? It's so amazing. It's so perfect. I won't name you of course
    and if not, thats okay.
    ·                             
    8:50pm
    Runner
    Like... soon? 
    You can haha you can even keep my name, I don't really care, just enjoy the philosophy of my beautiful and perfect words. (laugh)
    I want to see this clem jar.
    don't ever forget it.