losingit-

Ican'ttakethisanymorethehatethelossofcontrolthenumbnesstheanger.

I need help but I don't want to ask for it
I need someone but everyone is caught up in their own problems
I need him but i don't miss him.
I need her to be okay.

I need to be okay. 

The secret to Life and Living.

Someone?

Is there anybody out there? I doubt it, it's not the most interesting blog. I don't even know how to make this more public, but its sad thinking that I'm just speaking into an empty room. Not that its completely worthless, I guess it's healthy to get my thoughts out into the real world. Maybe I can understand myself better that way.

So, again, is there anybody out there?

Struggle.

I've gained weight. Doctors orders, but I was gaining before the doctor even told me that I should gain five to ten pounds. The gap in my thighs are closing and I'm losing the flat tummy I've been losing for months. I've been binging again and I need it to stop. I'm pretty sure I can get back on the healthy track next week, so I'm going to try as hard as I can. But it's hard when you're obsessed. It's hard when you can't stop thinking about food. I fucking hate it. I banged my hand up on the wall today in frustration, something I haven't done in a while and something I've only done a few times. I'm thinking about cutting myself again after MONTHS of not doing it.

It's difficult to put weight on after being so skinny and feel good about yourself. After being able to always see your ribs, being able to feel them and imagine that you can almost feel your lungs. It's hard, after your legs were so skinny the gap in your thighs ran from your fork to your knees instead of just the middle of your thighs. I remember being able to overlap my index finger and thumb around my wrist, being able to wrap them against my forearms. Now, they barely touch. They don't even come close to touching around my forearm, though. I miss my hipbones the most. april edit-i miss being normal the most.

I need help. What the fuck am I supposed to do?

Fucked.

This'll probably end up being a rant; I have no idea where i'm going with this.

I've gone through a lot of different e.d's. I've been anorexic, bulimic, and a binge eater. I've said before, each time I pass into a new phase, I can't remember the last one. Well, I've started binging again, have been for the last week. And really, I almost hate it as much as purging. The feeling of loss of control, not being able to stop even when your past the point of just being full. God, How do I stop this again? I've gone through it before, but I don't think it was this bad! I just want my normality back.

Maybe I'm exaggerating though..I tend to do that. I think I did that with my anorexia, especially since it turns out I'm an inch and  a half shorter than I thought it was. Reading other peoples stories, maybe I wasn't anorexic, but wannarexic. I was underweight though, and I was restraining a lot.

But maybe this will stop. How though? Can anyone help me? Has this happened to you? It just started this last week. I was doing soo good too. I hate going backwards! I fucking HATE it.

But I guess that's part of life, aint it.

The Guide To Being Anorexic (a parable)

By Eva Joy Musick

This is the story of Heather, a 13-year-old girl who wanted to become anorexic. Naturally being 17 and having dealt with it in my past, I was all too happy to lend her my advice. "Give me a day with her," I told Heather's mother, who was worried sick. She agreed.

"I hear you want to become anorexic," I said as we drove to my place. "Yeah, so what? Don't try to tell me all the bad things about it and how it will kill me and . . . "

"Oh no. You've got me all wrong. I'm here to welcome you into the club!" She looked at me with shock and amazement.

"What are you talking about?"

"I said I'm here to welcome you to the club. I was anorexic once. Now I just recruit new girls."

When we got to my place I gave her a pen and paper. "Now write down everything you enjoy and love in life." She looked at me blankly. "Go ahead." She did as I told her.

While she was writing, the phone rang. It was Shawna. She and Nikki were going out for pizza and wanted to know if I would come. I told them about Heather and that I wanted her to come, too. They said fine and I got ready to go.

"All done," she said.

"Let's see. You've got friends, family, and guys. Is that all? Let's put down life and your future too. Okay?" She nodded. "Now we're going out with some of my friends to eat pizza. I hope you don't mind."

"Not at all," she said smiling. I slipped the paper into my purse as we left for the pizza place.

When we arrived, Shawna and Nikki were waiting a a table with the pizza. We sat down and I reached for a slice. Heather also reached for one. "You can't do that remember? You're anorexic," I said to her pushing back her hand.

"But you're eating!" she exclaimed.

"That's beside the point. Anyway, I just recruit anorexics now, I'm not one."

"UH!" She slouched back in her chair. In a few minutes, five young teens walked in. They all seemed to recognize Heather and came over. "Hey!" she exclaimed.

"Are you Heather's friends?" I asked.

"Yeah. You wanna sit with us, Heather?" one of them asked. Heather started to get up but I held her arm.

"I'm sorry but she can't hang out with you," I said returning to my pizza.

"Why?" one of the others exclaimed.

"Because she's anorexic now and she can't have friends," I said.

"What are you talking about?" Heather shouted.

"No need to get upset. You may as well start out right. Anorexics don't have time for friends. Do they Nikki?"

"No, you didn't have time for us when you were anorexic," Nikki agreed.

"Sorry Heather, but anorexia is your only friend now. You want to stay thin don't you?" She lowered her head.

On the drive home I went very slowly. We passed a couple on a bridge kissing softly. "You see that Heather?"

"Yeah."

"Well, mark guys off your list. You won't have any now."

"Don't anorexics have boyfriends?"

"Some do. But they don't really have time for love. They're too busy thinking about their weight."

An old woman

Then we passed an old woman sitting on her front porch. "Look, Heather. At least you won't have to worry about being like that." I said.

"But she looks happy," Heather said.

"True but you won't be happy or old."

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"You'll die before you're old enough to even have a future. Speaking of which, get that piece of paper out of my purse, will you?" She did as I asked. "Okay. Now take the pen in the dashboard and mark off friends, guys, life, and future." She looked up at me.

"All that's left is family!"

I looked at her. "Mark that off, too."

"WHAT!" She screamed.

"Well you can't expect to love them can you?" I said.

"I love my family, okay? And if you can't deal with that I don't care!" She began banging her fist into the door. By that time I had stopped in front of her house.

"But you won't have time for them."

"Don't tell me that because I will! I will have time and you know why? Because you're crazy! Being thin isn't worth all that!" She yelled as she got out of the car and slammed the door.

from:http://www.eatingdisordersreview.com/nl/nl_edt_1_2_9.html

I wish I had read this before. Not that I got to that extreme, but it still may of stopped me from getting to where I am now.

Repressed memories?

A while ago I realized, that every time I came to a new phase in my E.D, I can't remember what I was like before that. For example, when my eating disorder first started I couldn't remember for the life of me what it was like to be normal, with normal eating habits. Then when I stopped purging and just stopped eating, I couldn't remember what it was like when I purged, then when I started bingeing I couldn't remember what it was like to starve, and now that I'm constantly snaking, I can't remember what It's like to binge, or to restrict, or anything, really.

The obsessive thoughts are slowly going away. Hopefully, they'll begone before I move. 

No one dies alone-Your mind will always be with you.

There was a thought of mine that I had mentioned in one of my posts-the fact that, in the end, the only person you are with every second of every day is yourself. Not your boyfriend, your friends, your family, but you and your mind. You are the only person you have to please, the only person who you should want to like you is you. Everyone else is, sadly, temporary.

So why are we constantly changing ourselves for others?

Why do we constantly need the approbation of everyone else?

Why is it so hard to just say, Fuck it, I'm going to be who I want to be?

Force of habit, I guess. But it's something I'm trying to work on.

-Vice #2, approval of others. 

Life to Live

I haven't been normal for years.
But I did use to be more normal than I am now.
My deepest traumas were suicidal thoughts, cuts down my arms-
-typical kid stuff.

But it's only the first half of 2012, and I've changed more mentally than I ever had any year before. And the change was overnight. I've gone through every eating disorder in the book-Anorexia? Check. Bulimia? Check. Binge eating? Night eating disorder? Check Check. Eating disorders not otherwise specified? Big ass check.
I made myself this way. I still remember the thought that made it all start.

-It really can't be that hard, can it? I might as well try-

That was the seed. The invasive species that won't go away.

Yes, I screwed myself. Fucked me up for life. But, I did stop purging on my own, and, if this all started overnight, maybe I can plant a different seed:

Embrace who you are. Eat to live, not Live to Eat. Enjoy what you eat, don't punish yourself for eating those slices of cake or few cookies.
Cause in the end, the only person you have to live with your entire life is yourself, not anyone else, so why change yourself for the world?

-Vice #1, food. 

The bright lights of america.

It's funny how fast an thought can turn into a full fledged obsession. Like a little seed planted in your brain, being fed by the media and social pressure until that little thought-seed is fertilized and turned into a vine that creeps through your mind, strangling and over taking everything, until nothing but it, is left.
How do I snap out of this? How can I stop obsessing over this? It's driving me crazy, breaking me in half, and I'm the only one who can piece myself back together.