To see if I still Feel

enterdramaticphoto.

Andyoucouldhaveitall



 My


                                    dirt
                                    of
                                empire


 I  will   let    


                            d
                              o
                                w
                                   n




                                                 I      will   Make   you


                         H
       


                                             u

   
                                     R
 

                                                      t.

Good things are red, blue, orange, green, yellow, white, purple, indigo, black-in every shade and every tone.
Misery is transparent. 

i wish we never changed  I wish we could all just laugh again. 

losingit-

Ican'ttakethisanymorethehatethelossofcontrolthenumbnesstheanger.

I need help but I don't want to ask for it
I need someone but everyone is caught up in their own problems
I need him but i don't miss him.
I need her to be okay.

I need to be okay. 

The secret to Life and Living.

Someone?

Is there anybody out there? I doubt it, it's not the most interesting blog. I don't even know how to make this more public, but its sad thinking that I'm just speaking into an empty room. Not that its completely worthless, I guess it's healthy to get my thoughts out into the real world. Maybe I can understand myself better that way.

So, again, is there anybody out there?

Struggle.

I've gained weight. Doctors orders, but I was gaining before the doctor even told me that I should gain five to ten pounds. The gap in my thighs are closing and I'm losing the flat tummy I've been losing for months. I've been binging again and I need it to stop. I'm pretty sure I can get back on the healthy track next week, so I'm going to try as hard as I can. But it's hard when you're obsessed. It's hard when you can't stop thinking about food. I fucking hate it. I banged my hand up on the wall today in frustration, something I haven't done in a while and something I've only done a few times. I'm thinking about cutting myself again after MONTHS of not doing it.

It's difficult to put weight on after being so skinny and feel good about yourself. After being able to always see your ribs, being able to feel them and imagine that you can almost feel your lungs. It's hard, after your legs were so skinny the gap in your thighs ran from your fork to your knees instead of just the middle of your thighs. I remember being able to overlap my index finger and thumb around my wrist, being able to wrap them against my forearms. Now, they barely touch. They don't even come close to touching around my forearm, though. I miss my hipbones the most. april edit-i miss being normal the most.

I need help. What the fuck am I supposed to do?