Yeah um

i don't know, 

i guess i'm just dying everyday

but i guess everyone is, right?

That's why we smoke, we fuck, we drive with our eyes closed and cross the roads without looking

because we know we're all dying

because we know that it's all ending

that's why we don't care

we don't care because there's nothing worth caring for

except for others,

but they're dying too

except the ocean

but it's turning toxic

maybe the mountains

but they're just falling
crumbling
everything everything everything is dying
disappearing

except for me

i just want to f
         a
                 l
                      l

[fly]

disappear and die

no, not that, just disappear,

like a ghost leaving footprints in the snow

i miss my birdcage ribs, mountain valley hips

everything i despise is what is keeping me alive but i don't care about that anymore

I'm empty i guess

 -And when you touched my scars, I don't know why I didn't like it,
maybe it's because i've wanted someone to touch them for so long
but not you
not you because
because it doesn't feel right.

I
I am seriously sick of this bullshitt

bullshitbullshitbullshit

the same old fucking stuff that has been going on for months now
i'm sick of getting hurt and hearing you say shit that i know is going to turn in to a lie

and i'm
sick of the fact that i e
                                v
                               e
                              n care

i'm just sick

all this stress drama pointless lies and fuck ups have literally made me sick

my stomach is dying, my head is dying, i'm made up of knots and loss and confusion
i'm dying

All those long walks i've been taking 
  

                                                         [not that anyone has noticed]

 are suicide contemplations, loves

i'm just seeing how long i can go before i cross the road


                                                                            without caring about the oncoming cars.

Wumwum...

Yeah
Was that stupid?
I don't know
I feel like it
Maybe was
Maybe.

Maybe it was just a way to vent out our separate frustrations.

But will it be weird to say 'I love you' again?
Cause you are my best friend.
I don't want this to Fuck things up.

all the same.

Yeah
It still bothers me

But what the fuck am i supposed to say

Man yeah i'm still obsesed with evertyhing that happened and i'm so embarrased because of that but i wish you were never with him and i wish you could just stop doing what you're doing and i wish i didn't care but i do because i'm an obsessive little twat and

it really wasn't time.

I just need a conclusion, you know? Cause he just fell out of contact and fuck him that's not chill. I just need it to end good or bad I don't care but i need it to be obvious.

And i need to talk to her
but when i get back

I really think that was the problem.

I never talked to either of them



And fuck
I just wish things could've been different. 

i'm on the pursuit of happiness and i know

Everything that shines aint always gonna be gold.

I had a huge tripp lastnight. Potent buds, I imagined I skyped a friend of mine, who's username was rainbows in progress. And I thought i recognized that username so i went on a internet scavenger hunt but it turns out nothing of that sort happened and I just had uber-realistic hallucinations. And they weren't even interesting, they were common, every day things. But I did start freaking out and thinking that my friend who I am so far from right now was going to commit suicide but I was in no state to do anything about it and I was so scared.

And now I'm with my friends and It was really between me coming here and slitting my wrists in the bathtub and I decided to come here and now I'm wishing that I hadn't because I hate bringing these negative vibes places. And the worst part is that they aren't even asking about last night, if i'm okay, if Shes okay, whats wrong. And call me narcissistic but I wish they'd ask and really really really I'd ask them about there's but I can't even get a word out right now like literally it physically hurts to talk. And I know that that's stupid and dramatic of me but it's what is in my head right now and I wish they could be more *literally* empathetic and pick up the vibes i'm settting off and help me be okay because my wrist is hurting really bad right now and I need a hug or two or five hundred and I really want to cry and I can't do anything about it and I don't know what to do and I hate myself and I hate that I can't get over shit and i wish everything was easier even though I don't have it that hard and I wish my mom my dad people trusted me and I wish I hadn't turned out this way and I wish everyone was okay and I wish you would talk to me and I wish I could bleed more and I wish I was pretty or normal or happy with myself and not happy because i'm okay with being sad but happy, with myself.
I wish I could move on but I think theres some block that i'm creating myself in my mind and I can't get it out and i don't know what the fuck to do what the fuck am I supposed to do and I feel like this could end up being a suicide letter and I know that If i wasn't here at her house right now I would be finishing this up while I was waiting for the tub to fill and i'd be getting my vice and locking the door and getting the courage to do what I've been craving for years.

So

I don't know what to do.

I'm fine, though. Believe me.

I shouldn't drink anymore. 

knowhour

Hey, Man.

So, if you do ever decide to read my blog someday, and if you read this, could you like, fucking text me or something.

Cause I miss you, yo. And i like talking to you.

So stop being a fucker. 

tumblrtumblrtumblrfuckerr.

Step right up to my new wonderland

confusion and delusions.